Concerts, Connections, Careers, and Coffee

At the beginning of 2010, I sorta half-wished for a less boring, more dramatic year than 2009. So far the universe has not failed to bend to my wishes.

Case in point: this past weekend was chock full of good times with many of my favourite people¹. After a night of drinking with my besties and a morning of hung-over proctoring (a.k.a. hell), my dear friend Sarah traveled all the way from Toronto for various good times, such as seeing Andrew Austin perform at the Black Shire.

I've known Andrew and his music for a while, but it was my first time seeing him (and his band); I was blown away by how awesome it was. I highly recommend checking him out, especially live.

Here's a crappy video that doesn't do it justice.



The variety of people who showed up to the concert was staggering, especially because the night was full of mindblowing coincidental connections between them. It's a small world, and the internet makes it even smaller.

Oh and Sarah was like "we need a picture together for your blog." So uh, the lighting wasn't so good, but here is a rare picture of myself, and Sarah, looking like we're in a horror movie or something.

Oh and then, AND THEN, last night I met with even more friendly friends for a sushi party. I rolled sushi for the first time (after many hilarious "this is how I roll" and "let's roll" jokes), and it's really not as hard as they say. I could totally open a sushi restaurant.

Today I am figuring out how to find a career and spend the rest of my life. I do want my remaining days to be pleasant, so I guess this is important and exciting.

By the way this is now a blog where I just casually list everything that I've done lately. Here are 50 pictures of a shiny object I found that is pretty!

No. Never mind. It wasn't that shiny.

What else has been exciting is that Putting Weird Things in Coffee has taken off in popularity. I've been answering fan mail and even done an interview about it; it kinda feels like I'm getting my 15 minute allotment of fame. It's being linked to from all over the internet, such as Guardian.co.uk, but also this weird-ass video, in which a (n extremely hot) German chick and her baby discuss PWTIC (at about the 2:00 mark). Apparently "Phronk" is still "Phronk" in German.

So yeah. If 2010 continues being eventful, it should be one for the history books.

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¹ Another new years resolution is to use more expressions that I don't understand, such as "case in point", and "chock full." Why do cases go in points? What the eff is a chock?

Guest Post: Who Were You Born to Be?

Hello, fellow lovers of Phronk. Not that kind of lover. Actually, maybe, I don't know all of you. It's Blondie here from www.blondemonde.com. Welcome to the first guest post I have ever done on anyone's blog. Ever.

If you've been reading this blog longer than oh, a month, you'll know that Phronk just turned 30. To me, landmark birthdays are little more than numerical benchmarks in our lives. To some, they are defining points, by which we measure our life's success. Along with the man on the moon, JFK's assasination and September 11, we think we'll always remember what we were thinking on our 25th, 30th, 40th and 50th birthdays, among others. As generations come up behind us and turn these landmark ages, it spurs thoughts and memories of that time in our own lives and, in turn, bring us to how our lives are so much different now than we thought they would be.

When you were younger, where did you think you were going to be when you were 30? First of all, I thought 30 was what “old” people were like. I mean, my teachers (teachers = old in a kid's mind) were 30! In Up in the Air with George Clooney, he talks to a young coworker about where she thought she would be when she was 23, and how none of it happened. Have you ever found yourself in this situation? Have you set lofty long term goals for your life and then been disappointed when they just weren't happening?

I frequently am reevaluating my life and looking at myself objectively. I always wonder “is this who I was born to be?” and I always conclude with a resounding “yes.” I believe if I am constantly seeking a road that brings out my passion and plays to my strengths, that it will be leading me to new opportunities; I will always be who I was born to be, but that will always be changing.

In the [tremendously annoying, discouraging and frustrating] dating world, I find I am always asked “what are your goals for your life?” by new men. I hate this question. I am tremendously driven and determined, held back by very little, and have taken charge of my own life, but because I refuse to set lofty long term goals about my life, I never have an answer to this question.

While I'm only 26 and just as naive as I've always been, I'm smart enough to see that setting goals “for your life,” isn't really the answer for me. I'm not talking about “I'm going to get my PhD" (while you're starting school for it). I'm talking timeline “by the time I'm ...” What if I grow up and those goals just don't happen? I don't want to spend my time dwelling on how I don't have a husband and family, but instead I want to spend my time living to my full potential and being as happy, vibrant and satisfied as I can possibly be. I want to be who I was born to be, and I will.

What do you want to be?

- Blondie

[Phronk here. Thanks so much to Blondie for the wonderful post. Check out her and CJ at Blonde Monde; it's one of the best blogs out there. Today it features a sexy nose cast. Like a cast on a broken nose. Not a broadcast of someone's nose. Yeah.]

Ch-Ch-Ch-ChiAAHHHH OH NOOO

Sad news, everyone. My beloved Chia Pet, who has stood by my side through thick and thin for nearly an entire month, has passed on to ceramic statue heaven.

Here he is in his last days. Still smiling! I always enjoyed his positive attitude.

Yeah, maybe he would have been able to squeeze in a few more weeks if I'd provided him with luxuries like warmth and water. But sometimes you just feel when it's time for your loved ones to go. Like when you gradually replace grandpa's heart medicine with sugar pills. Oh come on, we've all been there.

I've still got quite a few seeds left. I was going to scrape him off and create a new best friend, but then I came across What I Like to Do With Chia Seeds.

Spoiler alert: what she likes to do is eat them.

All you do is add a "liquid of your choice" to the seeds, then eat up. I'll feel bad munching on Homer's little brothers' and sisters' gametes¹, but apparently it's nutritious. Of course, my liquid of choice has always been coffee, so don't be surprised if you see this on Putting Weird Things in Coffee.

By the way, with that blog and this one, there are many exciting things happening right now. The first of which you will probably see the fruits of tomorrow, if you come back, WHICH YOU WILL.

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¹ Speaking of which...

Guns N' Roses (with Danko Jones & Sebastian Bach) at the John Labatt Centre, Jan. 25 2010

I got a wonderful last-minute surprise yesterday when I suddenly found myself with tickets to a Guns N' Roses show (thanks to @London_Events on Twitter; yes, I somehow won again).

The lineup at the John Labatt Centre was longer than Slash's top hat (LOL SEMI-APPROPRIATE METAPHOR) so we missed most of Danko Jones. I have a vague memory of seeing him once before and getting the impression that he's a huge douchetard, so no big loss I guess.

Sebastian Bach took the stage next. He is best known for his work in Gilmore Girls Trailer Park Boys Skid Row. Bach rocked songs old and new, all the while flailing that silky mane of hair.

He chided the anti-camera security staff, encouraging use to take videos. Then he did this about five more times. As if Youtube views are the only thing that's keeping him going. Well, here you go Sebastian:



There was an hour wait between Bach and GnFnR. Luckily some upstanding citizens took it upon themselves to entertain the crowd with their assets. By assets I mean boobs. And also asses.

When Axl hit the stage, the only explanation for the delay was some mumbled speech about accepting responsibility and the risk of mixing alcohols. But whether he knew where he was or not, he could hope across that stage and belt out those songs like it was 1987.

They played a near-perfect blend of songs; just enough new songs to make me want to finally buy Chinese Democracy, and all the old expected favourites. The band may not be the original lineup, but they were incredible; Axl frequently sprinted off the stage to give solo band members their time in the spotlight. Still, it's a little telling that Slash's job had to be split up between several guitarists.



After two and a half hours of non-stop rock, the lights came up and the audience stumbled through a haze of pot smoke and trickling rivers of spilled beer, while Axl toasted to his cock and handed out a round of shots. Rock and roll doesn't get much better than that.


See also:

• BRay's take on the show.
• The London Free Press's review.

Best Comments Ever, Volume 1

This blog is all about me. Even if nobody read it, it would still exist due to my pathological need to turn thoughts into words. However, the fact that you are reading this is a gravy-like bonus, and when you take the additional time to comment, well, that sort of interaction one of the best parts about this whole internet thing.

A lot of people don't pay attention to comments, but they should, because at least around here, the comments often upstage the crap I post. So I'm thrusting some of you into the spotlight. Here are some comments that made me laugh/cry/cringe recently.

In response to yesterday's Miley-centric post, Hey Lady! said...

I think the song is just infectious... like a disease, no one WANTS to catch the flu, but you know, you're at a party, a bunch of other people have it, next thing you know you're laying on the bathroom floor wishing for death. This song, same thing.

My Chia Pet is now dying, I am sad to report, but at least he elicited these responses. Katrina said...

That Homer Chia is really freaking me out. I can't handle what's going on on his face. Seriously, I couldn't stop staring at it -- it's like a train wreck. The image is seared into my brain.

And Jay Ferris said...

At least we now know what the serial rapist offspring of Homer Simpson and Swamp Thing would look like.

In the informative and well-recieved post Sixty Nine Reasons to Avoid Tall, Dark and Handsome, Evilflu said...

Oh man! My new work monitor now has diet coke spit all over it and people are staring at me like I'm caveman lady or something. Those are the bestest pictures ever...sort of :/ oh yeah, guess I should say something about tall guys now...tall guys are easy to tip over...and sometimes they are scary.

Finally, responding to the Body Worlds post, Rick "The Hat" Bman related this related story...

So, I have never been to a Body Worlds exhibit but I do have a good Body Worlds story. A few years back I worked for a manufacturing plant and one day a delivery truck making his normal delivery also unloaded a bit coffin size metal box onto our loading dock and then just left with no explanation as to what it was. The address label had been torn off so we had no idea what it was so we had to open it (pic of box).

Imagine our surprise to open the box and find body parts. Now we didn't know that it was part of the Body Worlds exhibit yet, we just knew it was a box of body parts. Now my boss decided that we have to keep it secure until we can find the rightful owner. Now, where do you think the most secure room in the building is? Why that would be the computer room, where I work.

So for two days I got to work with a giant box of body parts in my office. Keep in mind we had no idea what they were just that they were body parts. Luckily my boss was able to figure out that they were part of that exhibit and then find out which museum it was supposed to go to. I had never heard of the exhibit at that time so it just kind of freaked me out.

The best part though. One of the girls that worked there hadn't heard about it and came into my office and sees the box and asks what was in it. I told her she didn't want to know. She says "What is it, a body?" and I said "Well, it is parts of a body any way." She got kind of freaked and ran out of the office very quickly.

Wow.

If you have commented and were not featured here, don't fret; it is solely because there is limited space, and because you are not very interesting. Try again, because there will be a volume 2. I love you all.

Nodding My Hips Like Yeah

My favourite song of all time you ask? Yeah, I'd say it's still Party in the USA.

I've had Miley's sweet voice stuck in my head for days at a time. I'd almost managed to shake it when Miss.Tint sent me this impressive live performance:



Er. If I were butterflies, I'd fly away too.

And here is a creepy-ass "remix" created by old friend Cailen:



Is it just me, or when a song has been rattling around in your head all day, do you start adding in new words to spice it up a bit?

Motherfuckin HAAANDS UP



;lkdsjf

Tweeting With the Stars, Volume 4 - Deepak Chopra

If you don't do Twitter, here is the conversation expanded and translated into IRL-speak:

Deepak Chopra: "Before particles and waves are observed they exist as transcendent potentia in the field. The field interacting with its own self creates particles waves and the physical world. The field is non physical transcendent. It is a field of possibilities. Your core consciousness is the field."

Me: "One thing I've learned from Twitter is that Deepak Chopra doesn't understand physics."

Deepak Chopra: "Yes I do. Come to my $2000.00 conference."

A word of explanation: I have nothing against Deepak Chopra personally, and I appreciate him taking the time to reply to my remark. I am convinced that he is genuine in his beliefs and truly wants to help people.

The problem is that many of his beliefs simply don't correspond to reality. It's like he gained a basic understanding of quantum physics, then made up a bunch of stuff out of thin air to connect it with his own (also made-up) ideas about consciousness. When fantasy is allowed to slip into beliefs, you end up washing your eyes with the spit off your toothbrush.

If you read Chopra's Twitter stream, a lot of it ends up sounding like The Sphinx from Mystery Men; deep-sounding but ultimately shallower than a puddle of toothbrush spit.

Spirituality is important. I love that Chopra endorses exploring the intersection between spirituality and science, because the two need not be mutually exclusive and the world would be better if we tore down that wall. But presenting tentative spiritual guesses as scientific facts does measurable harm. I'm glad he was at least open to my speaking out against it.

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See also:

• Tweeting With the Stars Volume 3 (Bree Olson)
• Tweeting With the Stars Volume 2 (James Gunn)
• Tweeting With the Stars Volume 1 (Sasha Grey)

Unrelated Captions

One of my favourite blogs as of late is Unrelated Captions. Like the name implies, it consists of pictures affixed with unrelated captions. For some reason this is hilarious.

I think part of the appeal is that our brains can't help but try to search for meaning in everything. Is the above picture a comment on the declining popularity of the Furby? Should we have done more to save the Furby before it became a deteriorating plastic skeleton? Will our children grow up in a world without Furbies?

Put people in the picture and it seems obvious that they are saying the caption.

And when our brain can't find any meaning, then it's still just delightfully WTFLOL.

There's something to be said about art here. Maybe the splotches of colour on a canvas alongside a thought-provoking title actually mean something in the artist's mind. They'll certainly mean something in the viewer's mind. When a surrealist poet writes unknowing cowflower, throw hither this monstrous fish world (or something), maybe the poet had something in mind, but even if she didn't, anyone reading it is going to react in some way.

That's not a bad thing. I think all great art strikes a balance between the expected and the non-sequitur. Even if the latter is generated by a random number machine, if put in the right context by a skilled creator, it's still going to tickle those pattern-searching centers of our minds.

It can go too far. In everyday life, it can be detrimental to find meaning where there is none. Maybe that twitch of her lower lip when you said you loved her means it's over. Or maybe her lip just twitched. It's possible that your stupid dance caused it to rain, but you're probably better off planting more crops than cutting a rug all day long.

Huh, well, that went to a weird place from starting with glorified LOLcats. Oh well, PUBLISH POST.

/facepalm

(click)

Christmas Unwrapping Wrap-Up

I had a great Christmas (THANKS FOR ASKING), which included getting a lot of great gifts. Case in point: I have been asking for a Chia Pet for Christmas for as long as I could write lists. Every year I was spoiled with the latest electronics and more socks than I could count (srsly anyone need socks?), but never a Chia Pet.

That finally changed this year, when I unwrapped not one, but two Chia products. The first was a Homer Simpson Chia Pet. It is supposed to look like this:

Look at that full globe of Chia hair! It's funny because he's usually bald!

Here is what it actually looks like:

Yeah, that's a funnel coming out of his sparsely-covered head. Chia Homer is not as easy to care for as they would have you believe. Water constantly collects in that drip tray, and you have to recycle it into the top of his head once a day or more.

Let's get a closer look.

Ahh god! He looks more like a coked-out Dracula, or this guy. You should watch your children around this Chia Pet.¹

And obviously I couldn't resist giving him a ... moustache. Or whatever that is.

The second Chia product was a Chia herb garden. A label on the box insists "Chef's favorite!" And you know, it's been growing nicely for me, but if I walked into the back of a restaurant and saw the chef plucking herbs from a Chia Pet, I don't think I'd return. We are talking about herbs that grow on a sponge instead of real soil.

Another unexpected gift was my Ninja Turtles Snuggie.

Oh, sorry, "throw blanket with sleeves."

The fleece really is soft, and feeling it reminds me of last year's ShamWow incident. It keeps me so warm, and makes me feel just like Leonardo, except without the swords or douchiness. Anyone would be happy to own a TMNT Snuggie.

Wait...what's this?

What's with the attitude, anime Snuggie box guy? Your girlfriend appreciates her throw blanket with sleeves; what do you have to be so pissed off about? Is it your screwed up fetus fingers? Get over it.

Oh, and yet more cartoon clothing goodness came from my sister, who imported these beauties all the way from Korea.

No, you can't see out of them when they are zipped up. I think the impracticality makes them all the more awesome.

So yeah, best Christmas ever.


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Footnotes:

¹ Shut up Nancy and Dan.

#ldnfavs09 ?

The Best Most Listened To Albums of 2009 (#LdnFavs09)

10. Ladyhawke - Ladyhawke

Synthy pop rock goodness out of New Zealand. She named herself after the 80s movie, and the 80s influence shines through hardcore and brings me back to my childhood. Plus look at that album cover. Playing NES in her underwear? Dream woman.

9. Tegan and Sara - Sainthood

I love everything Tegan and Sara have ever put out, and Sainthood is no exception. Apparently this is the first album that they've actually written together. The result is a more mature-sounding, sometimes mainstream-sounding album, but it still holds some surprises.


8. Muse - The Resistance 

I was late jumping on the Muse bandwagon. I first heard them described as "the next Radiohead," but they sound nothing like Radiohead, so maybe they just confused me. But anyway, I've come around, and The Resistance is another over-the-top blasting of dramatic rock goodness. It brings to mind Queen but sounds nothing like Queen.

Plus you gotta love them because, when told to lip sync, they do this:



7. The BPA - I Think We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat 

It seems like few people know that Fatboy Slim morphed into The BPA, then put out this insane mess of an album. Full of random guest stars babbling over Fatboy's bouncy beats, it's one of the most fun albums of the year.

Oh and this is one of the best videos of all time. OF ALL TIME.



Now I'ma let you finish.

6. Bat For Lashes - Two Suns

Bat for Lashes has this haunting, melancholy sound that I can't stop listening to. This album is ... like ... if PJ Harvey and Tori Amos got it on, then popped out a baby, and that baby was a hobbit that went to visit elves and explore their musical secrets. You know what I mean?

5. Little Boots - Hands

This is just pure pop goodness. Little Boots is from England, where you can be a pop star even if you have weird teeth. I think her, Lights, and Lady GaGa should do a multinational concert together that will make teen girls and myself scream with glee.

I love this video too:



4. Marilyn Manson - High End of the Low 

I love Marilyn Manson like a son, but even I was slightly disappointed by his last album, Eat Me Drink Me. Luckily, Manson and his band are back with High End of the Low. This albums sees them less angsty, more playful. The way he casually growls "it's arma-goddam-motherfuckin'-geddon" is irresistable.

Oh and listen to him singing with Lady GaGa!



Let's see if I can work Lady GaGa into every entry here!

3. Joel Plaskett - Three

Plaskett, you cheater! This album is only in the top ten because it has 27 tracks on it. I'd have to listen to any other album 3 times to equal listening to this one once. But I'll let it slide, because with no duds among all 27 songs, it's a damn solid album. Plus he puts on an amazing live show.

I'll just point out that Lady GaGa almost made this list with an 8-song album though.

2. Metric - Fantasies

When I first heard Fantasies, I remember thinking to myself that it would probably top this list. It's one of those albums that you put on and go "oh, I love this song!", then the next track comes on and you're like "oh I love this one too!", repeat x 10. Metric seems to have finally made the transition to big-ass popular band, and I'd love to see them play Stadium Love in a stadium. It's a song about spiders fighting bats fighting eels, or something, which might be a metaphor? Whatever, it's definitely awesome.


1. La Roux - La Roux

Well, this is embarrassing. See, I wouldn't classify La Roux's debut as a good album. Their 80s-inspired synthpop isn't anything that hasn't been done before, and probably done better. But obviously something here pleasured my eardrums enough to listen to it more than any other album of the year. Elly's voice is just heartbreaking, and along with the nostalgia-soaked music, it tickles something deep in the drafty chambers of my blackened heart.

Here is the song/video that hooked me:



(again, from England where you can be both famous and awkward-looking)

So there's my list. Perhaps you will find something here that you didn't know existed until now. What were your favourite albums of the year?


See also:

• The Most Listened-To Albums of 2009: Honourable Mentions
• 2008's Honourable Mentions
• 2008's Most Listened-To Albums
• 2008 in Music Again

An Old Man Reflects on Life

I've been blogging for over ten years.

There probably aren't many people in the world who can say that. I'm actually getting closer to 15 years of web logging now, given that I invented blogging. Which raises the question (but doesn't beg the question; please stop using it that way ok?): have I not found anything better to do in the past decade?

I'm also barreling towards turning 30 years old. And fast, too, because doesn't time seem to pass faster and faster with each year? This decade had flown by so quickly that I can still clearly remember ringing in the year 2000, flinching in anticipation of the end of the world.

But here I am, still ticking and tocking. Still without a career. Still single. It's gotten to the point where friends want to set me up with friends, and my family encourages me to get the waitress's phone number when we go out for dinner. All appreciated, sure, but I think this is related to turning 30. It's that threshold where people are expected to have their life together. I fear the monotony of a decided-upon life as much as I do the uncertainty of being lost, but the pressure is there.

And soon it will go from setting me up with friends, to setting me up with a "really nice" (i.e., ugly) co-worker, to begging me to take out the older divorcee from spin class, to just being the creepy uncle who's given up. Next stop: dying alone.

I'm not going to let any of this happen (especially the dying part), but maybe kicking life's ass would be easier if I wasn't 30. Maybe I should update all my online profiles on a yearly basis, shifting my birth year up so I stay 29. I'll have to manage my internet footprint to be consistent with this aging prorogue. Eventually my blog archives from the year 2000 will read "goo goo, gah gah, just a baby here. Yes, I can type. NO MORE FUCKING QUESTIONS."

It'll be harder to manage my real life (a.k.a. meatspace) footprint. Wrinkle cream is improving all the time though.

I have no idea where I was going with this.

The Best Most Listened to Albums of 2009: Honourable Mentions (#ldnfavs09)

Like I said last year, I can't really say what the best music of the year is. I haven't listened to every album that has come out, and I'm no music critic. What I can do is say which albums captured my ears enough to listen to over and over. Luckily, Last.fm keeps track of all the music I listen to, so it's easy to see which albums those are. In a few days I will post my most listened-to albums of the year. But today, here are some albums that probably would have made that list, if they came out or I'd gotten them earlier in the year. This only includes albums that were released in 2009.


Aqua - Greatest Hits: It's so disappointing that Aqua's big comeback was just 3 new songs on a greatest hits album. Oh, but what songs they are. Back to the Eighties sounds just fresh enough to exist today, while keeping Aqua's awkward, slightly out-of-touch-with-reality lyrics. Every night I pray that Aqua will release another full length album.













The Prodigy - Invaders Must Die: Another 90s band still kicking ass in the 00s, The Prodigy continues to make insanely high-energy dance music that's useful for when you need that extra motivation at the gym, or you're cutting an action movie trailer.  

See also: The Crystal Method - Divided By Night; MSTRKRFT - Fist of God; You Say Party! We Say Die! - XXXX







Chris Cornell - Scream: Then there's how not to make a comeback. Chris Cornell's — yes, the same one who fronted Soundgarden and Audioslave — Timbaland-produced, guitar-free pop collection is a platypus of an album; so disjointed and ugly that it really shouldn't even exist. But in my humble opinion, it goes so far into terrible territory that it ends up in awesome land.












What...the...fuck.    Lady GaGa - The Fame Monster: More WTF courtesy of Lady GaGa. The Fame Monster is a little 8-song blast of sugary pop with an edge to it. It's like a tiny dessert that's finished before you're sick of its sweet-bitter richness.  
See also: Lights - The Listening, Infected Mushroom - Legend of the Black Shawarma.








Weezer - The 8-bit Album: A collection of Weezer songs done in the style of, or with the technology of, 8-bit video games. Weezer's genius in crafting strong pop songs is highlighted by the fact that they're still fun to listen to when stripped down to bleeps and bloobs.  
See also: Weezer - Raditude, Jaydiohead - Jay-Z x Radiohead.









Gavin Castleton - Home: A concept album telling a story of love during a zombie apocalypse? YES PLEASE.  
See also: other quirky independent pop: e.g.: The Fiery Furnaces - I'm Going Away, Islands - Vapours, Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career, Andrew Bird - Noble Beast.

Ramona Falls - Intuit: Raymi tossed a video from this album onto one of her posts, and I instantly fell in love with it. Such beautiful, dark, fresh, epic music. Even though I have no idea what they're singing about most of the time.
See also: Placebo - Battle For the Sun.










I'll be back in a few days with the albums I listened to most in 2008.

Oh, and if you live in London Ontario and have a post about your favourite stuff of 2009 (or the decade), be sure to tag it with "#ldnfavs09" so we can keep it all together. See Brian Frank's post about it and the Friendfeed Stream for more info.

See also:

• 2008's Honourable Mentions
• 2008's Most Listened-To Albums
• 2008 in Music Again

Another PlayTV Canada Update

The ongoing fight against shitty television continues. See the latest developments here.

If only I could apply myself like this to something that's actually important, eh?

Ah well, baby steps. Or little legless kitten steps.

Why Twitter is Stupid and How to Make it Smarter

Twitter, I love you, but sometimes you are a total fucking douchetard.

I feel like I'm pointing out an elephant in a room, or that an emperor who thinks he has invisible clothes is actually naked (hey someone should write a story about that), but Twitter, here are some things about you that are stupid, and always have been:

1. Twitter implicitly implies that people with longer usernames deserve shorter replies than people with shorter usernames, because the name you address a reply to counts as part of the 140 character limit. How does this make any god damn sense? It's like if you go to the post office, and they tell you that your letter came under the maximum weight allowance, but couldn't be sent because the recipient's name was too long. What?

Solution: Make anything coming after "@" not count towards the 140 character limit. Yes, people will abuse it by @whoopsIwentover140charslol, but I'm gonna go ahead and make a bold prediction: the internet will not explode if a message longer than 140 characters gets posted to Twitter.

2. Similarly, web addresses take up characters. URL shortening services exist (and continue to be created) just to get around this. I wouldn't call this out as stupid, if the rest of the entire internet hadn't already figured out an even more elegant solution than making the URL shorter:

Solution: See, when Al Gore invented the internet, he thought of these things called "links", that would "link" between web pages. Even neater, instead of typing the full address of a page every time, you can actually take any word and "link" it, which will underline it and make it clickable. Twitter, maybe you should look into this "link" phenomenon that is taking the internet by storm.

3. This is the stupidest thing about Twitter, that I can't believe people just take for granted: why do we read Twitter in bottom-to-top chronological order?

In almost every (every?) language, when you are reading a story out of a book, things that happen first go at the top, and things that happen after that go below it. Your eyes start at the top of the page, then smoothly read left to right, down one line, left to right, down, etc.

But no Twitter, you gotta be different. If Twitter was a novel, it would work like this:

• Go to Twitter.com (or fire up a client), load up the novel you're reading. The last paragraph of the book appears at the top of the screen. SPOILER ALERT.
• You scroll down to the bottom, click the "more" button, scroll more, skim each paragraph, click more, until 5 minutes later, you find a paragraph that looks vaguely familiar, so you figure you probably left off somewhere around there.
• You read the last unread paragraph. Your eyes scan left to right, top to bottom. Then, to get to what happens next, your eyes skip up, over the paragraph you just read, to read the paragraph above it.
• Everything seems oddly familiar since you had to skim the entire story just to figure out where you were in the book.
• You finally get to the end, at the top of the first page, and see that more of the story has been written. You refresh for new content, then start the whole skimming-for-where-you-left-off process over again.

And of course, Twitter is kind of like a big ongoing story of things happening with your friends. Yet we put up with this bizarre non-chronological order of reading it.

Solution: Make Twitter read chronologically from top to bottom like everything else on the fucking planet. And implement a bookmark function in which the top of the screen is always where you last left off.

People would complain about these solutions. Boo hoo. So keep the old options buried in some menu, and have the rest of Twitter finally fulfill its purpose as a hassle-free way to keep up with the story of people's lives, in 140 characters of content at a time.